Gender Equality Arrives in Texas

In a move that was not expected by the knuckle dragging cowboys of the Lone Star state, the state police arrested Sandra Bland for failure to signal a lane change..  The progeny of the Texas Rangers struck a blow for gender equality by taking the life of a young black woman, with no more concern than if she had been a male.  Spinnimg his Colt revolver on his finger, Trooper Brian T. Encinia, stated, “We have women in this state driving like they have already retired to Florida.  Well, those tumble weeds are NOT palm trees and you just can’t go neglecting to use your turn signals.”  Encinia is the trooper that stopped Miss Bland for failure to signal and escalated a simple traffic stop into a capital punishment case which left Bland hung by the neck until dead.  Encinia’s lawyerpointed out “We treat XX and XY the same here.  Sandra had no right to expect better treatment just because she was born a woman.  This is an important wake up call for women drivers and a monumental leap for the rights of women.  “Women need no longer jump in the back seat for a ride.  They can get in the drivers seat and put their life on the line just like any other black person .

 

This item was called in to Ph0ne eNews by legal consultant Judge Roy Bean who warns that even Texas is not equpped to hang everybody who fails to signal a lane change.

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Wisconsin Justices Had “Rough Sex”

Madison, WI – In 50 shades of Robert Emmet Chambers‘ famous “Rough Sex Defense,” WisconCharicature02 Supreme Court Justice, David T. Prosser, Jr.,  claimed that he and Justice Ann Walsh Bradley were just participating in erotic asphyxiation or breath control play.  Reports that “Prosser allegedly then put his hands around Bradley’s throat in what was described as a choke hold.” directly contradict the easily conlfirmed passion of these two sitting members of the Wisconsin’s disfunctional Supreme Court.

 

This ite4m was called into Phone eNews by our Governmental Kink editor and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who has hit the floor running.

 

 

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Gay Funerals

“We’re not hateful people.  We don’t care what landfil they drag the sodomite’s carcass to.  We just don’t want them interfereing with our God given rights at our church.  It’s a Christian church, on a Christian Street, paid for with Christian taxes and large federal block grants.” stated Ebeneezer “God Man” Schnizelwart, lay pastor at the Church of God and Everything in suburban Leavenworlth, KS and member  of the Kansas state legislature, who introduced a new law to forbid funerals of gay people to use streets near Christian churches for funeral processsions of gay persons.  “Why should our God fearing widows have their Wednesday night  bingo delayed because the caller is delayed by a funeral procession of some pervert?”  We paid our taxes.  This is OUR country.  This is America.  We have a right to drive at our Christian speed limit, just like Jesus did.”

 

This item was phoned in by Ebeneezer J. Speedbottom, Demeritous Professor of Theocracy at South Houston Institute of Theology.

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In Wake of Trayvon Martin Verdict, NRA Proposes New Gun Safety Law

Sanford, FL – During a midday press conference using Florida’s popular family vacation mecca as a backdrop and flanked by Republicon Florida state legislators and traditional cartoon characters, Goofy and his pointer/hunting buddy Pluto, National Rifle Association .leader, Wayne LaPierre, outlined the key provisions of a new gun safety law to be introduced into the Florida legislature next week.  Will Weatherford , Speaker of the Florida House has introduced HB7734 which lowers the age requirements for ownership and concealed carry of a handgun.

“Trayvon was followed, stalked like a wild animal, on a dark drizzly night,  He had every right to think he was in danger, as an armed vigilante in an SUV creeped along behind him.  But Trayvon was defenseless, prohibited from owning and using a handgun by the age discrimination inherent to Florida’s current law.” stated Mr. Lapierre, adding, “It is time to level the playing field and, not just allow, but encourage teens to pack iron.  Automobiles kill more people in America than gun violence.  If they are old enough to drive a car, they are old enough to buy a Glock.”  It should be noted that Lapierre is trying to sell the tag line, “From my cold dead hands” to the makers of Skittles.

This item was called in to Phone eNews by tean beat and weapons editor John J. Rambou

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Sandford Caught Hiking Appalachian Trail… Again

According to a Politoco article of 17 April 2013, the national Republicans have ended financial support for the Sanford campaign for his former US House seat from South Carolina.  The mainstream press explains the premature withdrawal on displeasure with his trespassing on his former wife’s property.   An unknown source was cited by others as saying, “Nobody believes his claim that he made a wrong turn on the Appalachian Trail.  His wife’s house is in Sullivan’s Island, coastal South Carolina, over a hundred miles from the Great Smokey Mountains.  Somewhere in the three days hiking down Interstate 26 he should have realized he was doing something wrong.”  Sources near the top of the National Republican Congressional Committee stressed that removal of support had nothing to do with his stated positions, but was entirely the result of his being unbelievably stupid.  Sanford’s sinking election prospects enhance the probability of his being hired for a lucrative position working for Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker.

This item was called in to Phone eNews by
Daniel Boone who added that he even with an
Argentinian hotty on the side, Sandford should not
refer to his former wife as the Cumberland Gap.

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Gov Perry Proposes New Gun Law

Houston – Texas senator Ted Cruz, in almost immediate response to today’s shooting at Lone Star College, has has called for a drastic, bold revision to current Texas gun law – emergency weapons boxes in all public buildings.  “We can no longer stand by while some students can afford guns and others become fleeing targets in a free fire zone.”  Hastily drafted new law would call for weapons boxes next to and much like boxes for fire extinguishers, equipped with small hammers to break glass fronts but, instead of extinguishers,. they will contain “sufficient firepower to take down crazed killers.”  A spokesperson for Colt’s Manufacturing LLC, in a press release pledged that, in spite of the recent spike in sales and resultant current shortage of assault weapons, the company could provide sufficient numbers of weapons as soon as the boxes could be delivered, stating, “No child need die for lack of access to readily available weapons.”

This item was called in to Phone eNews by our foreign bureau Chief in Texas, Charles Whitman.

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Sen. Vitter Opposes Contraception

Washington, DC – Louisianan’s Senator, and notorious libertine, David Vitter today opposed gender equality in reproductive health care in a Transportation Bill in the Senate, stating,  “As we all know through the debate and discussion of the last several weeks, the Obama administration has made it clear that everyone, including persons of faith, including religious institutions, are not only going to be forced to buy a product in the marketplace … that violates their conscience,, that violates their core beliefs.”  Admitting to Vitter’s expertise in buying sexually related products, a Democratic spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous because he couldn’t keep a straight face stated, “For a man rumored to get off on being spanked while wearing diapers to lecture the rest of the nation on sexual matters raises the question: Should there be a statute of limitations on stupidity?”  To include it in a Transportation Bill leaves one wondering what the Republicons mean by “Entrance Ramp.”

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This item was called into Phone eNews by
D.C. Madam and longtime Vitter “friend”, Deborah Jeane Palfrey , who confirmed that he diligently used condoms (reputedly taken with him in a show of “post Monicda blue dress” caution) is in favor of free contraceptive goods and services provided at government expense to homosexual couples in long term committed relationships.

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Gingrich Offers Davis VP Slot

Charleston, SC – Sources near Republicon presidential hopeful, Newt Gingrich, revealed today that they had offered former US Senator, Jefferson Davis the second slot on the Republican ticket for 2012.  The Gingrich camp had felt their chances of carrying then then “up for grabs” state would have been enhanced by inclusion of the Southern hero.  Although still waiting for the Davis response, the campaign does not consider it a dead issue.  One aid stated, “Although it would have been a big hit in the Palmetto state, it can also be a big hit in Mississippi, Alabama, and Louisiana.”  Phone eNews was unable to contact Sen. Davis to ask if he was willing to accept nomination as VP.

 

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by
P.G.T. Beauregard,former Confederate general who has promised to
celebrate a Gingrich victory by launching fireworks over Ft. Sumpter.

 

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USPS Charges Congress for Naming Rights

Washington, DC – Contrary to Rachel Maddow’s characterization of the actions of the US House of Representatives on Wednesday, 07 Sept 2011, (“The alleged votes that couldn’t possibly be missed turned out to be a roll-call vote authorizing the use of the Capitol grounds for the Law Enforcement Torch Run, a “charity jogging event,” and a congratulations to a North Carolina softball team for making the Little League World Series.” – Maddow), in reality, an important vote was planned on that day but cancelled.  Since 1792, US post offices have been named by acts of Congress.  In response to the $5.5 Billion in pre-funding health benefits for current and future, UNBORN employees required by the 2006 Postal Accountability Enhancement Act, the Postal Service has opted to charging for naming rights, much like major sports venues.  A Post office employee dressed like Benjamin Franklin, founding father and originator of the Post Office stated, “If Enron wants the right to name their local post office, let them pay the Postal Service directly rather than diverting the payoff to their favorite congress critters.”

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by
former teen heart throb, Pat Boone while recording his
comments with his foot on the beach.

 

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SC Rules Corps Can Go To Heaven

Washington, DC – In an unexpected late term decision, the Supreme Court voted 5-4 today to grant Corporations the right to go to heaven.  Chief Justice John Roberts, appearing for the first time in a papal mitre (the tall folding hat worn by the pontiff since a Bull of Pope Leo IX in the year 1049), read the decision to an astounded crowd of ardent Supreme Court watchers, many of whom knew that the case had never appeared on the court docket and had never been argued.

Apparently the court granted immediate/secret certiorari to a little known Rhode Island case, PETA v Providence Animal Control, in which animal rights advocates were demanding that puppies and kittens be given last rights before euthanasia.  Justice Thomas, in a concurring opinion, stated, “Puppies can’t go to heaven.  They poop on the kitchen floor and leave hairs on the Pepsi can.  There is no amount of good works that can make up for that.  However, corporations don’t poop on the floor and do many good works, not the least of which is support for Republicon candidates.”

Liberal activists immediately denounced the decision.  Many community organizers had long hoped that in heaven, they would be free from corporate influence.  One stated, “They have opened the eye of the needle wide enough to throw every arms dealer in the mid-east through it.”

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by
our Religion Editor
(and author of a popular cooking column) James Baker.

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